March 22, 2016
This song really sums up my time on the mountain with God this afternoon. It is the last song I heard and wiped out all the other ones I was going to share. It is perfect because I am broken and ready to be healed; the words of this song really reflect my heart today.
Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets
The last couple of weeks I have been in the most intense emotional pain that I’ve think I’ve ever been in in my whole life. It has gotten worse instead of better every day. Hiking, music, meditation and all my other usual ways have not shaken this pain off of me. Last night, I had enough and finally called a friend back home and I actually slept really well for the first time in a while. It really helped sharing what I’ve been going through and learning about myself here. Today, the pain was still sitting with me and I decided to climb the mountain again (I did this Sunday too) and just let it all out. I cried and cried and cried. I also brought my journal up and did some writing too.
You see, a couple of weeks ago, God revealed who I am and why; and God being God also gave me the tools to be able to change something I’ve been doing wrong for most of my life. I, being me, was very angry at Him for showing me that I have been making other people and Him responsible for my pain and happiness. It hurt so much because it is so true. And what I have to do in order to take responsibility for my own pain and happiness is to love myself; to love and be compassionate to my inner child. Loving myself is such a foreign concept to me as I grew up being told that loving yourself was being selfish.
I have with me here two pictures I brought with me – one is of myself, my daughter, Stephanie, at age three and my son Troy at age six months. The other picture is of me when I was nine years old. When I look at the pic of my children and I, I am reminded how I loved and nurtured my children; they are both in their twenties now. Then I look at the nine year old picture of me and see this little girl who needs love and nurturing too and I haven’t done a very good job of that with her. One of the steps of Inner Bonding, after feeling the pain, is to dialogue with your inner child, so today I just asked her one question, “What do you need from me?” She immediately replied, “Love.” That’s when I asked God, “How do I love this child? How? Because I really don’t know. Please show me how.”
Today, I learned that my inner child has been needing and searching for someone to love her; what this adult didn’t know is that I need to love her first. Isn’t there even a saying that, “Love starts within. You must love yourself first before you can give it away to others?” Well, today, I took the first step and tomorrow, I’ll take another one until I can really love myself. I don’t know exactly how yet, but I do have some guidance on how to get started and will have some more guidance from a therapist when I get back home. Just one step at a time, a lot of patience with myself and a lot of love and compassion for my inner child and I know God will bless it.
I am SO grateful that God will never be content until He has made me into what HE has determined that I ought to be.